Depths of Despair: Rogue
by MaMa MoOoSh
Summary: Rogues has mislead feelings on love, hate, and life... What will she do to end it all? r/r!


This fic is dedicated to all the people I know and my friends know who just couldn't take it anymore. It's about Rogue and her feelings towards life, her friends, and family. It's my first ever Rogue fic so please be nice. It may be OOC at first but hey, I tried.  
  
It goes to the song "Adams Song" by the best band in the world, Blink 182. Enjoy.  
  
  
  
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Depths of Despair: Rogue  
  
  
  
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When you think you know someone, you usually don't… I mean I tell everyone that they don't know me but the truth is, they know me better then I do.  
  
They predict things, the say things, and they do things. I just can't comprehend anything anymore. The big word that echoes through my mind is why.  
  
Why doesn't everyone like me? Why doesn't anyone date me? Why doesn't anyone care?  
  
I have the answer. They just don't.  
  
They have all been raised on their grounds and unfortunately for them, their wrong.  
  
When I see someone crying I help them but when I'm in hysterics no one is by my side except for a few… I need a million. I need one person for each tear that has rode down my face.  
  
  
  
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My friends hate me and the professor doesn't understand. The only person I can turn to now is myself and I don't even know me. People say I'm a freak and I take it, they say I'm mean but I endure it, people say they hate me and I cry.  
  
I can't take it. I mean, I'll sit here and pretend I'm little Ms. Perfect but the truth is I'm not. I'm just an average person like everyone else is, like everyone else supposedly thinks I am.  
  
When it all boils down to the last thing I'll find out three things.  
  
Who my friends are, who my enemies are, and who I am.  
  
If they don't want to like you then they're not worth the chase. If they don't want to understand you then they're insecure. If I don't want to hear anything then what is I? Stubborn. I just wish someone would love me… In fact I want a specific someone to like me.  
  
  
  
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I never thought I'd die alone  
  
I laughed the loudest who'd of known?  
  
I traced the chord back to the wall  
  
No wonder it was never plugged in at all  
  
I took my time I hurried up  
  
The choice was mine I didn't think enough  
  
I'm too depressed to go one  
  
You'll be sorry when I'm gone.  
  
  
  
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I like Scott Summers but don't you get any ideas about it! It's just a little crush… It won't turn into anything else and—Oh screw this. I like Scott a lot. Oh and I mean a lot!  
  
I like him enough to but him a $60 sweater on Christmas… I hope he liked it though. It was kind of humiliating but the look on Ms. Perfects face was priceless!  
  
I don't want to sound smug or anything but she has gotten plenty of shots at Scott.  
  
He's practically all over her 24/7!  
  
For once I want a guy to like me… They all look at me like some kind of Satanism freak. Yeah right. Being gothic doesn't mean I worship the devil. It means that I'm into the whole medieval dark scene… I probably sound pretty pathetic right now. No wonder no one has ever loved me.  
  
  
  
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Who needs guys anyway? They're all a bunch of jerks! All they do is judge you for what's on the outside instead of what's on the inside! I mean, every guy out only needs you for three things: Sex, beauty, and publicity.  
  
That's all. It's as simple as that. They don't care if you work hard or if you're a virgin. All they care about is themselves. They're a bunch of pigheaded bastards! I hate them all.  
  
Oh and here's the best part. When you make one little mistake like… Umm getting pregnant for example. He leaves you flat on your little ass and blames everything on you.  
  
I've seen it happen before. It's all the same.  
  
I mean it's your fucking sperm shooting into her fucking system. Take responsibility god dammit! Oh man… I'm getting kind of carried away. I guess that's what happens when you're angry.  
  
Maybe I should stop and take a breather or… Just keep going.  
  
  
  
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I never conquered rarely came  
  
Sixteen just held such better days  
  
Days when I still felt alive  
  
We couldn't wait to get outside  
  
The world was wide to late to try  
  
The tour was over I'd survived  
  
I couldn't wait till I got home  
  
To pass the time in my room alone  
  
  
  
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I hate my life… No one likes me. Scott hates me, Jean is better then me and I just can't take it! What do I have to do to get attention around here? What do I have to do to get love? Oh wait; I have to die my hair red a flounce around like I'm the big shit in order to get attention. I'm not Ms. Perfect. I know that. I'm nowhere near perfect. I mean after all I am a mutant who will never experience anything. No feelings of warmth when someone holds your hand, no feeling of passion when you get your first kiss… In fact I'm going to die a virgin and to top it off, a prude! That's just fucked up!  
  
I hate being a mutant! I hate being me! How can you love someone you can't even touch? That's like asking me to love something you don't even have! I wish I could just… I don't know. Disappear.  
  
  
  
  
  
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I wish that there were a special place out there for me… Somewhere where I can go and be myself. You know, a little hideout that only I know the password for.  
  
That would be great… Me alone just relaxing and thinking of what to do next. But what would I be like if I was totally alone? I mean, I am alone now but I still have Risty…  
  
When no one understands me or I feel as if the world is going to end, I go to Risty and she saves me. She's like a mother to me. She always they're teasing me and giving me advice. I feel like I've known her for years but in reality it's only been a few months.  
  
She's the only one who really understands me. The Professor thinks he knows what's going on in everyone's head but he'll never know the truth. Sure he can look inside my head and steal my thoughts but he'll never know me. No one ever will.  
  
  
  
  
  
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I never thought I'd die alone  
  
Another six months I'll be unknown  
  
Give all my things to all my friends  
  
You'll never step foot in my room again  
  
You'll close it off board it up  
  
Remember the time that I spilt the cup  
  
Of apple juice in the hall  
  
Please tell mom this is not her fault  
  
  
  
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I don't want to sound selfish but what about me?  
  
What about all those things people promised me life would be?  
  
There I go again… All I prove is that I'm egotistical and strange. I don't want to be weird. I want attention but not in that way.  
  
I don't like being invisible. I don't like being ignored.  
  
The truth is I want attention. I crave it. I hate to be overlooked. I just hate it.  
  
It makes me feel like I'm not real, like I'm not a person.  
  
I feel like a young child does. They need all the attention from their parents. They need this, they need, that… What the fuck? All I am is a selfish bitch. I only complain about other people! Oh and besides that I only talk about self-pity! I am so pathetic! I don't even deserve to be in the mansion. I don't deserve anyone…  
  
  
  
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I've lived my life so what's there to live for? God wont help me every time I pray and no one answers me when I call for them. No one! I'm the kind of her who fights with the tide… I'm rising high with depression… People say I hunger after it. Things shouldn't be this way. They really shouldn't. My only comfort now is the night gone dark. Just like me… You see, no one truly understands space, the stars in particular. How did they come to be? Why are they so blazed with fire? Why can't you touch them? Why, why, why? No one understands. It's like telling a baby he or she will die in years to come.  
  
They wont understand.  
  
I think I've been here far to long… This place has changed me. In a good way, maybe. In a bad way, yes.  
  
Well, the happy hours are gone. Poof! They vanished. The one's I cherished are all lost now. All is lost.  
  
  
  
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I never conquered rarely came  
  
Sixteen just held such better days  
  
Days when I can still feel alive  
  
When I can't wait to get outside  
  
The world was wide the time goes by  
  
The tour is over I survived  
  
I can't wait till I got home  
  
To pass the time in my room alone  
  
  
  
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This sucks! I want to die but there's no easy way out of anything! I'm just so frustrated!  
  
16 year olds are not supposed to deal with freakish powers and fear! I just want a normal damn life like everyone else! I want to feel warmth! I don't want to be cold anymore! I just want to die! Get out of this place or run! No one understands me and no one ever will! I just want to disappear and never be found again… But I crave attention. I need it. Maybe they'll remember me if… No wait, too painful… I want to make everything stop easily, stop in a few seconds… I just wish I could end it all… Wait, I can.  
  
  
  
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Rogue sat up in her bed quietly making sure her it didn't creek or wake up Kitty.  
  
She then threw the covers off her body and placed one foot on the floor.  
  
Suddenly pictures raced through her mind.  
  
Mystique, Lance Pietro, Fred, Todd… Her old teammates.  
  
Rogue then gulped and put her other foot forward.  
  
Kitty, Kurt, Evan, Scott, Jean, Logan.  
  
Her 'friends'.  
  
It seemed that every step she took led to another image of all she was giving up.  
  
Left then right, left then right. It was all the same now. It didn't even matter.  
  
Rogue placed her hand on the doorknob and slowly turned it.  
  
The door clattered open and Kitty stirred.  
  
Rogue absently bit her lip hard. The fear of her friend waking up took over her.  
  
She then fled out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom.  
  
Everything was in slow motion.  
  
The walk passed every ones doors, the faint tap of her feet hitting the ground, the beads of sweat strolling down her forehead. All was slow, even her breathing.  
  
When she reached the bathroom she sighed. The hallway was like some big metaphor striving with symbolism… Maybe it was a sign? Maybe it wasn't.  
  
Rogue quietly shut the door making sure it didn't clamor.  
  
As she did that she couldn't help but think of the consequences.  
  
Heaven? There is no heaven. Hell? Who cares!  
  
The only thing she cared about was the end… It doesn't even count.  
  
Rogue then frowned and walked over to the cabinet.  
  
She pressed her fingers against the handle and slowly chocked on her thoughts as she opened the door.  
  
She winced at the site in front of her; a small metal razor blade that practically begged for usage.  
  
Rogue swallowed hard when she grabbed the small tool.  
  
She squeezed her palm shut and felt a stinging sensation.  
  
Rogue then opened her hand and stared at the mess that rested upon it.  
  
It took her a full 5 minutes before she just brushed it off and closed the cabinet trimly.  
  
The thoughts that lingered through her mind were not only sorrow, but regret.  
  
She was at such a high level of anger that it was almost corrupt.  
  
She was thinking of all the things that had happened to her in life.  
  
"Ah'm a time bomb." She said to herself "Ah'm a time bomb."  
  
Rogue then closed her eyes tightly and bit her lip till it drew blood.  
  
"Ah'm a time bomb." She repeated "Tick tock, tick tock."  
  
It may have just been the insanity or adrenalin but something was defiantly wrong.  
  
She was about to make the biggest decision of her life. The decision that makes her life.  
  
It was all going to end… Right now, at this moment. Everything. Gone.  
  
Rogue was about to end what people value most in life. Their own.  
  
Suddenly people's faces flashed before her eyes mourning.  
  
Ororo, Amara, Tabitha, Rahne, Sam, Xavier, Ray…  
  
They were all crying.  
  
Every single person sobbing over her shoulder.  
  
Was she going to end it all? It's perfectly clear.  
  
With one quick hand movement and a mortal cry… She dropped the razor blade to the floor and wailed.  
  
She couldn't do it.  
  
"Ah couldn't do it." She said to herself just before she dropped to her knee's a dug her face into her hands "Ah just couldn't."  
  
Rogue then turned her head slowly to stare at the small metal peril.  
  
To think that that thing could have ended her life was just sickening.  
  
Once again the word that echoed through her mind was why.  
  
Why didn't she do it? Why couldn't she do it? Why?  
  
It seems that that question has been drawn out all day.  
  
I guess it shall be left as an enigma.  
  
An unsolved mystery in the depths of Rogue's confused mind.  
  
After that Rogue was there for hours on end crying to her self. Alone. Unaided.  
  
"No one loves me." She whispered as her face hit the carpet "No one does… Ah'm betta off dead."  
  
Suddenly a knocking was heard on the vast wooden door.  
  
"Rogue?"  
  
Rogue's sniffled quickly and wiped her face with her bloodied palm.  
  
"J—Jean." She whispered, "Is t—that y—you?"  
  
"Rogue!" Jena called as she tried to open the door but failed "What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothin! Go away!"  
  
Just then the lock on the door twisted and the door swung open.  
  
Jean looked down on Rogue and then gasped loudly.  
  
"Rogue! Oh my gosh!"  
  
Jean speedily sat onto the ground and grasped her friend's shoulder.  
  
"Rogue? Your hurt!"  
  
"Yeah. Ah know."  
  
Rogues voice practically lingered off into another world when she spoke those words.  
  
She was blinded by the tears and deaf from the sorrow.  
  
Jean looked at the ground next to Rogue and noticed a small razor blade.  
  
Jean then went into a state of panic and grabbed Rogues wrists.  
  
She looked at them carefully and noticed that there were no cuts on them.  
  
"Thank god." She murmured.  
  
Rogue looked up at Jean blurrily and weakly smiled.  
  
"Why did ya come in?" she shakily asked.  
  
Jean made a look of concern as she answered.  
  
"You're my friend and you sounded like you were in trouble—"  
  
"You're mah friend?"  
  
Jean smiled warmly and then helped Rogue up.  
  
"That's what friends are for Rogue."  
  
Jean then snatched a towel off a rack and dried the cut on her palm.  
  
"Why are ya doin this for me?" Rogue asked in between breaths.  
  
"I told you. We're friends."  
  
After Jean was done fixing up Rogue's cut she carefully bandaged it and smiled.  
  
"Now Rogue. Go to bed and we'll talk about this in the morning with the—"  
  
"No!" Rogue shouted "I don't wanna talk to him about it!"  
  
Jean looked at Rogue solemnly for a second but then gave her a warm big sister smile.  
  
"Alright." She said "We'll just have to talk it out ourselves then… Good night."  
  
Jean then turned around on her heel and quietly tip toed all the way back to her room.  
  
As Jean left Rogue could do nothing but beam lightly.  
  
"Ah have friends."  
  
  
  
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I've saved my faith, my love, and everything in between. There's no reason for competition or petty words anymore. Some things are lost but maybe… Just maybe there's hope.  
  
Maybe there's a little light somewhere at the end of the tunnel I can run to. Just maybe.  
  
  
  
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In Loving Memory of The Lost: Depths of Despair  
  
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Whoa! That's a long fic! It took me a long time to write it. Well I hope you enjoyed it! Hopefully it wont be my last Rogue fic but then again, Rogue fic's are really hard to write. Please r/r! 


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